Monday, October 18, 2010

You Forgot About The Nomads

Hank Williams Jr. once wrote a song called "A Country Boy Can Survive" which was probably one of the most arrogant stupidly ignorant post-apocalyptic songs ever written. Survivalists assume that, should the shit ever hit the fan, somehow, life will still be pretty much the same. You know, the soil will still be fertile. The air and water won't be poisoned. There will be plenty of game to hunt. It will simply be a matter of stocking up on ammo, and things will work out.

All pretty dangerous assumptions, I'd say.   If the shit really hits the fan, it could be any number of bad things, none of which preclude being able to live off the land. Space suits, for example, may be required to go outside. Country boys, it may turn out, may have to rummage through the trash and look for uncontaminated canned goods and bottled water just like the rest of us woefully unprepared city folk, which is pretty much everybody in the developed world nowadays.

Perhaps Hank should update the song to "the poverty stricken third worlders who already live in abject squalor and are used to it will survive!" But that makes for a much more awkward chorus. Probably.

Where is this all going? Well, I had a conversation with someone who in turn had a conversation with someone, a particularly well off someone, who mentioned on the QT that a group of millionaires have purchased land up on the UP of Michigan and set themselves up in an enclave. The idea being that, like all survivalists, they've set up well-stocked bunkers in fortress compounds and they are ready for when civilization falls.

Upon hearing this, I snorted, and said "Why, they'll be eaten alive! Literally!"

The person relating this to me, who, until this point, seemed to be possessed of a certain vicarious smugness  - as if he were the wise ant and I were the grasshopper - was slightly offended and taken aback.

"What? What do you mean? They are set! They are ready to ride out the storm, prepared for the worst!"

 "They are ready for what they think will be the worst. Don't they read history? Haven't they at least watched a Mad Max movie? The nomads always win".

"No. They are not trapped. They have escape routes. They told me they have speed boats to take them to Canada if necessary."

"Um. If things are that bad, for some reason Canada will be OK? Granted, the Canadians are very nice and hospitable people, but so are Americans, as long as you keep them well fed. No. The nomads will be everywhere. Not only that, but conditions will make sure that the absolutely righteously most bad-assed motherfuckers of the Righteously Bad-assed Motherfucker Tribe will be in their way. I mean, you know, the professionals".

"Well, we'll just see!"

"No, we won't. You and I will be catfood before then. I mean, unless you want this all to be some kind of absurdly unrealistic hypothetical situation, for which it is kind of pointless to talk about..."

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