Tuesday, June 1, 2010

Nuke That Hole!

Well, I'm gonna tell you right now. Pop up the popcorn. Because the long running horror movie of the summer is getting started. What started out as a spill, or a leak, has now turned into a plume.

BP doesn't like that word. "Pl-ume?" they inquire with a wrinkled nose and with a fruity Brit accent. "Oh, no, no old sod, old bean, old custard pot. That's something noticeable. That's something not minimal. We won't have that word bandied about".

So, while BP is handling language control, they are now on Plan R.

And in a sure sign of desperation, they've asked for advice from the public. The public, mind you, who elect representatives to Congress. The public that voted for Rand Paul. That reads People Magazine. The public that watches TV.

Yeah, that public.

So naturally, the time has come to talk about that most American of problem fixers -nuking things.

"Let's nuke it" say some. Actually, it was more like "YE-AHH! YEE-AHHH! NUKE IT! NUKE IT!! NUKE IT!!!!" Or something like that.

Because, honestly, if you think rationally and calmly about it for a moment, that's really about all the Federal Government could do. They surely don't have the expertise that the oil industry does. Or do they?

No, they don't.

Which makes it doubly viciously ironically humorous to hear the powerless conservative pundit types harping about how government (which is the problem, not the solution) should solve this mess now. (Oh, please at least try to be consistent, you enormous fuckheads. Or better still, shut the fuck up).

But back to nuking things. Oh, I suppose we could. It really comes down to the lesser of two evils. Six months of oil washing up on beaches (yes, come on now, get real, six more months minimum), or an irradiated oil field and sea floor that BP can't pump oil out of. Or possibly set off a chain reaction of methane hydrate ices buried under the sea mud that bubble up from the world's sea floors and then (because it is the most powerful greenhouse gas) raise global temperatures in a matter of weeks to, well, a AlGorean proportion. (And have you noticed the boy is getting plump?)

I mean, the Russians would do it. Probably have. But they have nothing to lose.

Swell. Tell you what. Since the experts can predict and manage risk about as well as a differently abled chimpanzee wearing a diaper, lets' just flip a coin and be done with it.

Heads, we nuke....


  1. I say we put the repubs in charge and let them fix it.

  2. I say we let Dick Cheney use his superpower. It's an ability kind of like that one of the Five Chinese Brothers that could swallow the sea. Old Dick has the ability to hold enormous volumes of liquid in his ass. Did it through most of 2002-4, just to scare Bush. It worked.