Tuesday, July 6, 2021

Five Movie Pitches in 5 Minutes

Succeed, Texas

This one has been kicked around since 2008 at least. We finally have secession, although it isn't. Texas gets kicked out of the Union. Build The Wall. Texas Brexit. Texit. A mad cap comedy caper with a countdown to closed borders. Billionaires buy all the land off the Rednecks for Texas. Texas or Bust. I would love to see Wesley Snipes as Mr. President. Ned Beatty bless him would have been the Governor of Texas, and Bill Murray as the corrupt Senator that helps buy Dixie. But in the end, Snipes tricks Murray into staying for the Secession Ceremony, and they are trapped in Austin for good.


The Mohorovicic discontinuity is the boundary between Earth's crust and mantle and this movie supposes that it is a living thing, a massive structure made by life. We humans don't know that, but our scientific superdeep drilling on Russia's Kola peninsula to get a mantle sample  pisses off the Deep Crust peoples so much, that they send two rock demons up to the surface to tell us to cut the shit.  Humans stop with the shit. 

The Beverly Killbillies

Rob Zombie is making a remake of the Munsters. I told him years ago that he fucked up and instead of making his first horror movie, House of 1000 Corpses, he should have bought the rights to the Beverly Hillbillies, and made the Beverly Killbillies. A Satan worshipping clan of pedophile cannibals strikes oil. The kinfolk said Californee is the place you oughta be, so they moved to Beverly.  The plot twist is all the millionaires and billionaires in the Beverly Hills are all secretly Satan worshipping pedophie cannibals but they are too uppity to accept the Clampetts. The movie practically writes itself.


Battlefish is more big screen sports bar video game than movie. This one started when I went to the aquarium with my brother, niece and great-niece. They had an Ipad and you could create and paint a fish. When you were done, the fish in the Ipad swam onto the giant TV screen. I told my great-neice that there could only be 14 fishes on the screen so she was going to have to battle up her fish and take down one of those cute little fish. She would have, if there had been game controllers.

Pebbles and Bam Bam

This movie will never be made as a remake of  Badlands with Pebbles as Sissy Spacek and Bam-bam as Martin Sheen because they have a sex scene. Otherwise it's a multi-state serial spree killing story about Charles Starkweather and Caril Ann Fugate, but with Pebbles and Bam-bam. Bam! Bam bam! BAM!

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