I can almost feel the physical transformation, a Jekyll and Hyde experience, as I come very close to losing opposable thumb status in acting this out. I can feel my brow get broader, my eyes get set closer together, my teeth get all snaggly and lose, and my head feels lighter as my brain sheds two-thirds of its mass. The outward appearance, the pigshit under my fingernails, the grease-encrusted coveralls, the John Deere cap, are completely superfluous to the experience.
It is kind of a weird out-of-body experience, when I, with an intellect comparatively vast and cool and unsympathetic, can look down at the bumptious buffoon, and watch its slow, glacial thoughts as it tries to work through national politics, like a chimp trying to do high-energy physics.
Invariably, this creature would seems to be a creature of the south, and more specifically, the southwest, and even more specifically, given the topical nature of this essay, a denizen of that benighted land known as Arizona.
It's always been amusing to hear about states that wish to secede from the Union. I've often wished that perhaps it should occur, at least for the entertainment value. Watching, say, youtube videos of the Texas Navy trying to defend its oil tankers in the Persian Gulf has got to be worth all the trouble that would ensue from secession. And, like in some TV sitcom, Texas would see the error of its ways, and like some hapless teenage runaway, a little scuffed up but none too worse for wear, would eventually come back home to a nice cool glass of milk and a comfy PB&J sammich. Oh, you scamp! Lesson learned, eh sport?
On the other hand, no state has ever been asked to leave the Union, but maybe its about time. And let my inner redneck explain...
"EVER BEEN TUH ARIZONIE? ITS ALREDY INFULTRAYTED!!! FLAT BROWN FAYCES AND A SING-SONG JIBBER-JABBER EVER WHERE YOU GO!!!!"
He's right, and though I'm not sure why he talks in all capital letters, sad to say, but its true. Arizona has reached a crisis state. It's been taken over by little brown people. Even the Slightly Larger White People there don't speak proper English anymore. To prevent the apocalyptic tide of aliens from entering our country, building a wall at the border is no longer an option.
It's like when you get a pesky spot of gangrene, you don't want it to spread throughout your body? You do what's right and remove the limb. And that's what we gotta do. Oh, we could try a series of holding actions, we could try implement half-measures, like the current illegal immigration law. But ultimately, it won't wash.
We've got to build a wall around Arizona. And cut off the water supply (because that's, you know, our Federally subsidized water those illegals are drinking). And shoot at anything that moves. With lasers. Gamma ray lasers.
As far as legitimate citizens of the United States living in Arizona are concerned... well, fellow Patriots, your sacrifice will not go unheralded. Perhaps your chief employers, the State of Arizona, and Walmart, can lend you a helping hand, but hard choices must be made. We salute you. Please stay clear of the new border. Or else.
Your former countryfolk