We Deserve A Better Holiday

I'm sorry but Groundhog Day is just so lame. It's positioned in the lamest time of the year, the Blech Zone, the Meh Zone. It's just basic survival time. No fun. No sun. Weather sucks, and has sucked for awhile, and won't get better. And then they throw this lame fucking holiday in like... a dollop of beef lard to oatmeal porridge. Like a desiccated beet added to turnip stew. Yay!

You can't drink to Groundhog Day. There is no partying. The partying that passes for partying? Is early morning partying. I'm sorry, but who wants to get up early in the morning and not have any fun? Farmers maybe. Not people who want to get wild. People who need to get loose and some fun. People who need a little tropical vacation about this time.

So, here's my proposal, we reimagine Yule. Yeah, I know Yule traditionally happens around Christmas, but pagan Yule? They partied until mid-January. So, we reboot Yule to take place the last weekend of January. We get Monday off. Scratch that. We get Monday and Tuesday off. That way, you get to party on Monday night. Who parties on Monday night? Nobody! The Japs, maybe, people in French Polynesia or the Maldives, maybe, but honestly, realistically? Nobody except the unemployed get to party on Monday night.

So, look the whole idea of holiday partying goes probably back all the way to Ice Age. Here you are, shortest day of the year, longest night of the year, you got dire wolves and cave hyenas the size of grizzlies prowling at the edge of your fire. Maybe toss a pinhead Zika baby out into the dark to placate them, but otherwise, if you make it the next day, it's party city for as long as the booze lasts, or the shrooms, or the herbs or whatever it was they did. And generally that lasted well into the time where you started to notice the sun was out a lot longer and spring was on its way.

So that's what we need.