Wednesday, November 14, 2012

Succeed Texas

Originally, I planned this as a treatment for a movie comedy, kind of a madcap misadventure involving the peaceful secession from the Union of the state of Texas.

I see it as a vehicle for Bill Murray, or Brad Pitt, or Matthew Mcconaughey, and lots of cameos from all those country music and Hollywood stars, and perhaps formulated loosely on a chase movie like It's a Mad, Mad, Mad, Mad World. And basically it would be about how Texas secedes, and how every dumb shit "Go Galt" asshole in our unfortunately fractalized hillbilly demographic of a nation are all finally concentrated into one solid reptile house of a country.

(And, in case you are wondering or haven't figured it out, the 'succeed' part of the title is used because most of the rednecks that have a flipper-limbed Thalidomide baby of a brain squirming around in their barely calcareous skulls are either too fucking stupid, or too fucking lazy (or both), to know how to spell or properly use the word 'secede').

And I actually would sell it as a gentle comedy (the danger of a satire about Texas being that it is too easy to remake Idiocracy), only mildly poking fun at the people of Texas, because, honestly, they'all can't help it.

But all the others out there in the United States who have petitioned for peaceful secession, all the spoiled brats and crybabies and infants in adult bodies, who, well, in the Age of Information, their ignorance is a choice they should have to live with. And they should be poked fun at as much as good taste will allow.

So, the plot would go something along the lines of:

- enough Texans and other Americans ask to secede that President Obama finally throws up his hands and says "You know what? Go for it! It will be interesting to see which philosophy of governing will prevail. We give you and the rest of nation exactly one year to prepare. We will even be generous enough to sell you all Federal land, facilities, and infrastructure for 75 cents on the dollar. With one important proviso! Those who choose to secede can never, ever return to the Union, not as individual citizens or as a collective state."

- a mad scramble begins on whether to go or stay for the denizens of Texas, on the part of corporations and individuals, and an equally mad, and even more frantic scramble on the part of all those "Go Galt" retarded types that exist outside the state of Texas to get safely within the borders before the year is out

- Texans, the smart, responsible ones at least, start to get a tad worried when they start to see the horde of individuals only lazily crafted by the Almighty, for all the world starting to look like a mash-up of the Beverly Hillbillies meets the Road Warrior, but with the morbid obesity added, and radiation damage and chronic wasting of frontal lobes

- meanwhile the United States of America embarks upon the greatest construction project ever, building the Wall (a border fence that makes the battlements of Mordor look like a hastily-built rubble hedgerow) that will isolate Texas from the rest of the continent forever. (The unemployment rate drops to .5%).

- the movie climaxes with the end date of, what? December 18th, 2014. Stone Cold Steve Austin's birthday. Sure, why not? (Empresario Stephen F. Austin, who had a very low opinion of the types of immigrants arriving in the Texas of his day, would appreciate the irony). The closing and sealing of the last gate in the Wall of Mordor surrounding Texas. One lonely and inconsolable arrival, dragging a rebel flag in the dirt, blows his head off when he arrives a minute too late. And then a Marine helicopter dumps quite a few befuddled Senators and Representatives behind the Wall, ala The Marching Morons.

- the movie ends with the usual summaries before the credits. The United States goes on to marry Canada, sires a healthy crop of baby colonies on the Moon and Mars. Texas, after some struggle, finds its niche importing big-titted blondes to the Middle East. Mexico, with the influx of spectacular talent from El Norte, becomes successful, and finally gets that siesta it deserves. Or something like that.

Although come to think of it, I'm not sure you can make a two hour movie out of this. maybe a Simpson's episode. There's only so many inbreeding and stupid redneck jokes you can use.

And then again, the more I think of it, the more I think, this is actually a brilliant fucking idea! Why not let Texas secede? Seems to me it would produce a lot of jobs! Let's make the creative destruction of capitalism work for the consumer for a change!


  1. Texans are a bit proud of themselves...would be interesting to watch them try to care for themselves also...

    1. Actually, they probably could, but it would be a tale straight out of Dickens. (Land-holding aristocracy surrounded by squalor).

  2. Ha ha ha. There are some intelligent Texans here. Harris county went for two votes.

    1. I'm figuring Texas enjoys about the same IQ distribution as the rest of the nation - 10% smart, 90% incredibly stupid, so, really, no real surprises there.