I call myself a liberal because it pisses off certain brittle-minded tiny-limbed meatslappers who persist in trying to make liberal a disparaging word. If calling myself a progressive, or a socialist, or even a communist causes them to have a debilitating stroke from a fit of apoplectic rage, I'd call myself that.
But, of course, I'm a moderate.
In fact, I rather detest the idea of cataloguing something as complex as a human being onto a one-dimensional mapping such as "Left-Right". And look where that came from, out of the French Revolution, not exactly the best thing to use as an an example for anything.
For that matter, those silly magazine quiz political tests which lump you onto a two-dimensional surface (economic and social axes) are equally a waste of time. No one is that consistent, or that cartoonish (with perhaps the exemption of people who enjoy simplistic worldviews and the people who love them - on the next Jerry Springer). Those silly things want to lump you down with some really creepy people with bad personal hygiene. I certainly would not put up with it. When you think about it, a pigeon hole is a nasty, cramped, shit covered little hole.
And, an expansion of political identity into higher dimensions would seem to be the way to go, but the problem is, once again, people are rarely that consistent. They change over time (indeed the universe itself changes over time, so one wonders how even maintaining the status quo is somehow not just a complete infantile fantasy). There do seem to be some common sense ideas on higher dimensional axes to investigate. You've perhaps a Progress vs. Tradition axis. An Individualism vs. Altruism axis. And Anarchy vs Control axis. An Equality vs. Merit axis. Perhaps even a Competition vs. Cooperation axis.
I doubt all but a very few unfortunates could be boxed down onto a segment of this political hyperspace.
So, I'll just call myself a liberal, and fuck you if you don't like it.
Now, then, let's consider who those who are not liberals have got in the stable for the 2012 Presidential Elections.
CPAC provided no help. The terminally bugfuck crazy Michelle Bachmann? Actually, I kind of enjoy seeing her to see how what is clearly the mad cow disease she has contracted is spreading. Last I saw she had acquired a hazy film of insane chimpanzee glaze in her eyes. It's only a matter of time before she starts clubbing small children that are within reach of her.
Ron Paul? Rand Paul? Maybe if Congress passes a law making inhaling household cleaners and automotive products mandatory. (Catch us all up to speed with them).
Donald Trump? He's just a hairy little faex. He's completely feculent. Pizza mogul Herman Cain? Well, #1, Godfather's Pizza sucks a fat soggy turd. And #2, Herman Cain is an asshole.
Let me repeat that for the search engine spiders.
Herman Cain is an asshole.
NO, come one, seriously! CPAC!!!!??? CPAC was for chronic masturbators. CPAC was, is Political Bukkake Theater. (You've heard of Political Kabuki Theater? Welcome to a whole 'nother show!) Fuck CPAC.
Here's the real list:
Mitt Romney: Boring. Has been. What have you done for me lately? He may be the one the Republicans get stuck with, but he's got the whole vacillation problem going on. Not to mention a woodenness that make Al Gore look like a genuinely warm human being. Plus, he's got the branding issue with his chosen faith. He'd have done only slightly worse becoming a Scientologist. Or a Randian.
Mitch Daniels: Looks too much like Dan Quayle, who basically made it so that even if you are a Hoosier with a 3,000 IQ, you're, well, from Indiana. I know. As a Hoosier, I'm just glad people have bad memories. Plus, Daniels doesn't reckon the amount of luck involved in his state's budget surplus, which, oops, ain't there anymore, now that Obama's stimulus money is gone. Daniels didn't exactly display any amazing fucking brilliant business acumen when he sold the Indiana Tollroad to Spaniard businessmen for a pittance. Plus, he's the smart conservative's (yes, they do exist) choice, which means the kiss of death from the Party of Fuck You.
Haley Barbour: Boss Hogg!!! He's got the KKK vote locked up solid. If they can run him with a orangutan that waves a loaded pistol and gives everyone the finger, he's got the vote of everyone south of I-70, ... probably, but, is that enough? I don't think so. Not lessen' he can rid the Real America of all those darkies in the urban hoods... which, oh, was that over the top? Hmm.
Herman Cain is an asshole!
Newt Gingrich: You know, I kind of admire the rancid old assfuck the same way I admire Mao. He just doesn't get it. It's monumentally stupendous how he doesn't get it. But he does try. Using the same tactics of fear and divisiveness that Mao used, well at least he tries. But he'll never be a monster. Besides, he screwed himself up the ass in 1996. And besides, have you seen him lately? The guy looks like a used condom. And by that I mean he looks like a wrinkled up latex wrapper partially filled with dead sperm. Pretty much sums up Newt.
Who's left? Pawlenty, Santorum, Huckabee? Boring. Oatmeal.
PALIN? Wow. Pretty sad. Not much interest. Maybe, if Wisconsin governor Wanker, I mean Walker, continues to fuck up Wisconsin's finances (the way he did Milwaukee County's when he was commissioner), and gets all hard ass with the middle class, he just might be a conservative hero and lock it all in!
But in the meantime, I have a suggestion. More interest in the primaries can be generated if you set it up as a series of Death Cage matches, but for real. You know, Thunderdome, but for real. And orangutans with automatic weapons! And cannibalism!
Herman Cain is an asshole!
(2/25/11 Note to readers. Above essay was modified for stylistic purposes, just in case you noticed).